“let me tell mine”

letmetellminesometimes i wish i could post whatever i wanted to post online but i know better than to post anything.

i swear you can’t post shit without someone taking it the wrong way or without someone starting rumors and maybe i am wrong, but i am sure that is how rumors start.

and everyone wonders why i keep things to myself.

and if they think it is because i am afraid of that they think or what they have to say they’re wrong, it’s because it’s none of their business.

and i’m not trying to be a BITCH but fuck it’s my life and i shouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone.

i don’t know. . . .

. . . but we all have our own stories to tell, and if i needed someone to tell mine i would tell them to but since i don’t, they should tell theirs and –let me tell mine

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no where to be FOUND

nowhere to be foundit’s been a few days since anyone’s heard from me and i’m kinda getting worried, worried that if someone comes looking for me they won’t find me and if they do i doubt they will only because i am all alone in the middle of nowhere.

it’s like i’m lost waiting to be found.

                                                                                                        

just when i thought no one would find me someone did and when they did they picked me up and put me in the back of their vehicle.

they must have known i was cold because they covered me with a white sheet.

i’m not sure who they were or why they picked me up but i began to panic when i heard one of them say where they were going. i’ve never been there before but i knew exactly where it was that they planned on going.

i mean i heard a lot of stories about that place but i wasn’t planning on going there anytime soon especially with all the stories I heard about that place.

i was so nervous when the car came to a stop because I knew that meant we were there.

as soon as we got there, they carried me down to the basement, where it was dark and cold.

not only was it dark and cold but it was scary too.

they carried me to the end of the hallway and stopped at the last door on the right when one of them pulled out his keys to unlocked the door.

once he opened the door, there was a gust of cold air that drifted into the hallway. that must have been why it was so cold down there.

it was true what they said about this place.

i heard there was room full of bodies that were covered with white sheets.

some of those bodies with tags on their toes others with none and some with names some without.

as they carried me into the room I thought, so this is the room everyone always talked about? but i had no idea they planned on leaving me here until they gently laid me on an empty table, covered me with the same white sheet they covered me with in the car and left.

(I thought) WAIT. . . . they can’t just leave me here!!! they don’t even know who i am to just leave me behind but it was too late they were already gone.

It was as if they had it planned all along.

apparently it didn’t matter who i was because they turned off the light, locked the door and left me all alone.

all I kept thinking was – WHO were they to leave me like they did?? and why didn’t they just leave me where I was??

At that point, my biggest fear was who was going to find me down here especially that I was covered with a sheet?

i told myself over and over NO ONE IS GOING TO FIND YOU DOWN HERE!!!! NO ONE!!! and YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY??? because YOU are NOWHERE to be FOUND!!!!

                                                                                                        

this one is dedicated to those have went missing just waiting to be found . . .

in loving memory of carlos a.

. . . i loved you first

moving outThe DAY you LEFT was the worst DAY of my LIFE.

You LEFT without SAYING good-bye and when you did YOU were ALREADY gone.

And not only that you LEFT without giving me a HUG or a KISS but LEFT me with a TEXT that you were LEAVING but I had NO idea YOU were ALREADY gone.

It’s HARD to PRETEND everything is OK when it’s NOT and MAYBE it is BECAUSE I would have NEVER left YOU like you LEFT me and I knew the day was COMING but I didn’t THINK it would be NOW.

And you may THINK life is BETTER without YOU but it’s NOT.

ALL I want to do is CRY but I try my BEST to NOT let it get to ME or I will cry FOREVER.

There’s so much I WANT to SAY but I RATHER not ONLY because it’s too LATE now. . . but I will SAY something . . . I LOVE and MISS your PRETTY face and I JUST hope you are HAPPY and you FIND everything you are LOOKING for in LIFE.

I know you LOVE me and always will BUT remember . . .

. . . i loved you first

take care BEAUTIFUL

Love,

your ONE and ONLY

psalm 30:5 for his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning

if this is what AMERICA is all about. . .

bordermami, where are YOU?? and where’s my papi??

I looked and looked EVERYWHERE for you but I couldn’t FIND of you.

I know you ALWAYS said never to TALK to STRANGERS but I asked SOMEONE if she knew WHERE you were and as soon as I asked

¿sabes dónde está mi mami?

She LOOKED the OTHER way like she didn’t even HEAR me but I KNOW she did because she MUMBLED something and walked away.

If ONLY I knew what she SAID.

I don’t know what is going on but this PLACE is full of KIDS who were also taken from their PARENTS.

I’m TIRED of being TREATED like I don’t BELONG here because I don’t.

None of us DO.

This is SOMETHING I never want to go THROUGH again!!!

If I would have KNOWN this was how it was gunna be I would have BEGGED you to STAY but there’s NOTHING we can do NOW that we are HERE.

All I can do now is HOPE and PRAY. Hope that we find each other soon and pray that we NEVER come BACK.

mami. . .

. . . I would give EVERYTHING in the WORLD to be with you and my papi right now, even if that meant going back WHERE we came FROM.

I’m PROUD of who I AM and where we came FROM.

I know you said you WANTED a BETTER life for US and the only WAY to live a better LIFE was if we came to “AMERICA” so we CAME and here we are SEPARATED from ONE another . . .

 if this is what AMERICA (LAND of the FREE) is ALL about. . . I don’t want ANYTHING to do with IT!!!

you’re not the only one

nottheonlyoneThe struggles, the insecurities, the stereotypes, the depression, the hate and the anger I experienced it ALL so for you to PRETEND like you liked ME when you didn’t –didn’t BOTHER me one BIT.

At FIRST it did but I got OVER that SH!T.

I’m not PERFECT and you out of ALL people should KNOW that, but if you wanna JUDGE me go ahead

. . . . I’m sure you’re NOT the ONLY one

matthew 7:1-2 do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you

my first time. . .

kamiit’s my FIRST time so I’m kinda NERVOUS, nervous because I’ve HEARD a lot about FIRST times and since it’s my FIRST I don’t KNOW what to EXPECT.

but I’m NOT too WORRIED about it I’m READY for this.

ready to LOVE her, to HOLD her, ready to TELL her how BEAUTIFUL she is EVEN if she doesn’t UNDERSTAND what I’m TALKING about but MOST of ALL I’m ready to SHOW her there is so much MORE to LOVE than just WORDS.

know being a DADDY isn’t going to be EASY but for KAMILLA I will do ANYTHING even if it’s my FIRST time . . .

inspired by baby kamilla

psalm 127:3 children are a gift from the lord; they are a reward from him

“imaginary lines”

boundaries2I’m in the MIDDLE of a BOX.

A box I BUILT all by MYSELF.

A BOX made of IMAGINARY lines that ONLY I can SEE.

LINES to keep those WHO have HURT me from getting too CLOSE and others are to keep me from getting to CLOSE to those I have hurt.

I’ve learned there are just SOME things I NEED to stay AWAY from and in order to do so I need to set BOUNDARIES.

Boundaries to keep my distance and the only way to keep my distance is by using “imaginary lines

micah 7:11 the day for building your walls will come, the day for extending your boundaries