i had no idea

so things between us have been distant and maybe it’s just me but i have a bad feeling that something isn’t right.

if i don’t hear from her soon i will go over to make sure everything is ok, but i am sure everything is, since she tells me everything and she hasn’t said anything.

♥                                              ♥                                              ♥

well it’s been a week since i last heard from her and i’m really starting to get worried.

i went by her house but she wasn’t there and she hasn’t answered my texts or my calls.

then again there have been a few times where she was distant and when she came around she was just fine but never this long.

maybe she’s just going through a hard time.

i know how it is when i’m going through a hard time.

i just want to be by myself.

♥                                              ♥                                              ♥

honestly, i gave it a few days before i went to check up on her at her work but they said she hadn’t showed up for work the last few days.

that wasn’t like her so i went over to her house. her car was there but there was no answer when i knocked on the door so as soon as i got home i called the cops.

i assumed everything was ok since i never heard back from the officer i spoke to. he assured me that they would go over to check on her and if anything was wrong they would let me know.

i tried calling him back but the dispatcher that answered the phone said she wasn’t able to provide me with any information regarding my friend’s whereabouts.

what did she mean she couldn’t provide me with any information?

rather than waiting to hear back from the officer, i drove to my friend’s house to figure out what was going on but there was one problem.

the road was blocked off.

i quickly pulled over and ran over to the house i knew of very well when i was stopped by a police officer.

i begged him to let me go but he refused, saying no one was allowed on the property because it was under investigation.

the next thing you know they carried a body covered with a white sheet out of her house.

i yelled –what was going on?? and what did he mean the property was under investigation??

i argued with the officer telling him –i had every right to know what was going on since i was the one that called them in the first place.

a detective walked over trying to calm me down but that didn’t work.

he asked me a few questions and asked me to leave.

i cried –please, don’t you understand i am the one who called and all i want to know is what is going on and whose body was taken from the house??

i promised to calm down if they promised to tell me what was going on.

the detective said –my friend was a victim of domestic violence and he was sorry but she didn’t make it.

he said –that was the only information that he could provide me with and that if i heard anything about what happened to give him a call. he gave me a card with his name and number.

what the fuck did he mean “she didn’t make it?”

i guess this has been going on for some time now and this wasn’t the first time the cops received a call to come to the residence to check up on my friend and her husband because of what was going on behind closed doors but i was told it would be the last.

but how could this have been going on for awhile?

i thought she told me everything, but apparently not.

all i can think about was being asked what i had known about the abusive relationship between the two but the truth was “i had no idea”

1 peter 3:7 in the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. treat your wife with understanding as you live together. she may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in god’s gift of new life. treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

♥                                              ♥                                              ♥

if you know someone who is in a toxic relationship and in need of help please have them contact the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233

the monster under my bed

there’s a monster under my bed and i hate it.

he only comes out when no one is around.

he’s like a nightmare that i wish would go away but i doubt he ever will.

i’ve done everything i could to get rid of him but nothing seems to work.

i even tried to tell my mom of all the bad things he’s done to me, hoping that she would do something about it, but she didn’t want to hear it.

all she said was that she had a bad feeling that something was going on, but since i never said anything, she thought nothing of it.

she convinced me to believe that everything was going to be ok, when she kicked him out, after confronting him about everything i told her about him.

she even threatened to call the police if he didn’t leave so he left.

but i was wrong.

there he was the following day, like nothing, with a big ass smile on his face.

he had a smile of a criminal who just got away with murder.

i just wanted to die.

my mom tried to calm me down the moment she seen the look on my face when i walked into the room, by saying let her explain. she said -that she felt bad for him since he had nowhere else to go.

who cares?!?!

what did she mean “she felt bad for him”

REALLY?!?!

what about me?!?!

like i said i just wanted to die.

if i would have known he would be back, i would have never said a word but i did and here i am (scared for my life)

i don’t get it!!!

what did i do wrong and why am i the one getting punished for something he did to me??

i am so confused right now.

i don’t even know what to do or where to go from here knowing i went to my mom for nothing?

what does she think??

that it is ok for him to touch me in all the wrong places or that it is ok for him to do all the dirty things he’s done to me??

trust me no one deserves to go through  what i’ve gone through.

i don’t know but i can’t take it anymore so if someone is out there listening . . .

PLEASE!!!!! i’m begging you. . . .

HELP ME DO SOMETHING ABOUT “the monster under my bed”

mark 4:22 for everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light.

 

a REAL man don’t HIT girls

What kinda MAN hits GIRLS??

♡                     ♡                     ♡

GROWING up I HATED the FACT that I was NEVER bold ENOUGH to STAND up AGAINST my DAD.

There was NOTHING I could do to PROTECT my mom from my dad.

He was always HITTING her.

I don’t know WHY she ALWAYS put up with his SH!T treating her the WAY he DID for so LONG.

She’s BETTER than THAT.

Now that I’m ALL grown up I will NEVER let him PUT his HANDS on her again.

He will have to GO through ME to get to HER.

She RAISED me to UNDERSTAND how IMPORTANT it is to RESPECT girls.

She ALWAYS said –a REAL man don’t HIT girls.

Every time she said tha,t i WONDERED what that MADE my DAD if he ALWAYS hit her.

The LAST time he tried to put his HANDS on my MOM I threw HIM out and TOLD him to NEVER come BACK.

♡                     ♡                     ♡

I REMEMBER waking up to my parents ARGUING. I could HEAR my DAD yelling at my MOM and my mom TELLING him to QUIET down BECAUSE he was going to WAKE everyone UP.

He YELLED back –that he didn’t give a “f♡ck”

I WALKED into the ROOM asking my mom –what was going on??

She CRIED –nothing MIJO everything was OK for ME to go BACK to SLEEP.

I LOOKED at HIM and asked him –what are YOU doing here??

(all DRUNK) he said –it was NONE of my BUSINESS and I should LISTEN to my MOM and go BACK to SLEEP.

As much as I WANTED to I’ve never HIT him ONCE but I wasn’t going to let HIM talk to ME or my MOM like that.

With so much ANGER I pushed HIM away from my MOM.

I wasn’t going to LET him do ANYTHING to HER.

He was so DRUNK that he FELL.

My mom was AFRAID I was GOING to HIT him.

I told her “I’m a REAL man –and a REAL man don’t HIT girls”

He tried getting up but he COULDN’T, asking my MOM to HELP him up.

I LOOKED at my MOM and TOLD her I NEVER wanted to SEE him around HERE again and that she didn’t NEED someone like HIM in her LIFE.

When I went to GRAB him he FLINCHED thinking I was going to DO something to HIM and I DID I picked him UP and THREW his ass OUT and TOLD him NOT to ever come BACK and he hasn’t been BACK since.

♡                     ♡                     ♡

And that’s my STORY about how a REAL man don’t HIT girls

1 Peter 3:7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

this TIME

Here I am LYING in the MIDDLE of the FLOOR. SOMETHING tells ME it WOULD be a GOOD idea for ME to LIE still until he LEAVES. EVERYTIME this HAPPENS he LEAVES for DAYS sometimes even WEEKS. I FEEL like I am LYING in a PUDDLE of WATER. My BODY feels so COLD and I FEEL so WEAK. With my EYES closed I HEAR the FRONT door SLAM but I will WAIT a COUPLE more MINUTES to MAKE sure it is SAFE for me to GET up. I would HATE to GET up THINKING he WAS gone and BECAUSE he FORGOT something he CAME back. That would ONLY make things WORSE and only GOD knows what COULD happen.

As I LIE still with my eyes CLOSED I think of how THINGS “used” to BE. . .

I remember when we FIRST met, EVERYTHING was so PERFECT. I LOVED him and he LOVED me. My FRIENDS told ME about HIM, but I TOLD them –THEY didn’t KNOW him like I DID. I even THOUGHT some of THEM were JUST jealous because he WAS with me and not THEM.

I ALSO thought ABOUT when WE first MOVED in TOGETHER. About a MONTH after we SETTLED in, I WAS home ALONE one FRIDAY night. I WONDERED where he COULD possibly be. It WASN’T like HIM to come HOME late BUT I knew he would be HOME soon. As HOURS passed, I began to have a BAD feeling, maybe something HAPPEN to HIM. I remember FALLING asleep on the COUCH that night. It was ALMOST 3 in the MORNING when he WALKED in. I RAN to GIVE him a HUG. I told HIM I was glad that he WAS ok. I could SMELL the LIQUOR on his BREATH when he YELLED –GET AWAY FROM ME!!! I didn’t CARE where he had been or what TIME it was, I was JUST happy that he MADE it HOME safe. I TOLD him -I WAS worried about HIM. [ [ from that MOMENT on nothing HAD ever been the SAME ] ] He SLAPPED me and TOLD me –to WORRY about MYSELF and that it was NONE of my BUSINESS of where he WAS. I COULDN’T believe he SLAPPED me!! I THOUGHT how COULD he HIT me for NO REASON?? I didn’t EVEN do ANYTHING!!

It’s BEEN 5 years NOW and A LOT has HAPPENED. I HAVE been pushed, SLAPPED, punched, KICKED, choked, RAPED, and STABBED. There WAS so MUCH evidence that I HAD been ABUSED over the LAST 5 years I JUST never WANTED to ADMIT it. I’ve had BRUISES, black EYES, scars, and EVEN a BROKEN HEART. A BROKEN HEART because I NEVER understood how SOMEONE I LOVED could HURT me LIKE he DID. He MADE me FEEL so UGLY!! He ALWAYS needed TIME to CALM down after he WOULD hurt me, and he ALWAYS came back to SAY he WAS sorry. HE said – he DIDN’T know what he was THINKING?? He WOULD then give me a HUG and would ask me to FORGIVE him. It NEVER failed he then CRIED promising IT would NEVER happen AGAIN. I DON’T know WHY I BELIEVED him but I did. I HOPED that MAYBE one DAY he WOULD change. I ALWAYS wanted to TELL someone but at the SAME time I didn’t WANT to GET involved with the POLICE. I THOUGHT maybe IT was MY FAULT of why I WAS getting ABUSED. I CONVINCED myself I WASN’T getting ABUSED I was getting PUNISHED.

I think to MYSELF– but WHAT did I DO this TIME? All I REMEMBER was TELLING him I COULDN’T do THIS anymore!! I was TIRED of always GETTING abused and that I DIDN’T deserve to be TREATED that WAY!! I EXPLAINED to HIM why I NEVER reported HIM. I TOLD him it was BECAUSE I loved HIM and that I didn’t WANT him to GO to JAIL and without HIM I would BE lonely!! He then TOLD me – I COULDN’T leave HIM!! I was ALL he HAD. I TOLD him –I was sorry BUT it was TIME for me to GO. As I picked up my BAG ready to LEAVE I HEARD him say – take ANOTHER step and SEE what will HAPPEN!!!! I remember TELLING myself -NOW is the ONLY chance –KEEP WALKING and DON’T ever LOOK back!! Just then I HEARD a LOUD sound, seconds LATER I felt a SHARP pain in my CHEST, a PAIN I had never FELT before.

It’s been ABOUT ten MINUTES since I HEARD the FRONT door SLAM, but it seemed LIKE FOREVER. I was MORE than sure HE was GONE and that it was SAFE to GET up, but I didn’t HAVE the STRENGTH to, all I HAD was just ENOUGH strength to LIFT my HEAD and LOOK around. I FOUND myself LYING in a PUDDLE of BLOOD (my BLOOD) I FELT my BODY getting COLD and WEAK.

The POLICE were CALLED to the SCENE after a GUN shot was REPORTED coming from my HOUSE. When the PARAMEDICS arrived they TRIED to KEEP me alive for AS LONG as they COULD but it WAS already too LATE. I was DYING slowly. The LAST thing I REMEMBER was one of the PARAMEDICS telling me I was so YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL. HE LOOKED so sad, his WORDS were FADING away but I heard the words -I don’t know YOU but I don’t UNDERSTAND who would EVEN think of HURTING someone LIKE you. He SAID -he WOULD do EVERYTHING he COULD to KEEP me from DYING but there was no PROMISES. I close my EYES, took my LAST breath and thought to MYSELF -He REALLY hurt me THIS time.

1 Peter 3:7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.